When parents go through an ugly divorce, it can impact many areas of post-divorce life; especially the ability to achieve harmony in co-parenting. What I’ve learned – through coaching and through personal experience – is that this difficulty always comes down to unhealed wounds. It is, in many cases, a form of grief; divorce grief. Conscious uncoupling is a process of separation that empowers everyone to work through this grief towards harmony. Whether you are in the midst of a divorce or ten years post-divorce, this mindful approach can benefit your whole family.

Divorce grief is one of the most upsetting life experiences. It can hurt in unimaginable ways, and many people don’t even know where to begin the healing. Like a fingerprint, divorce grief is unique to every individual. Each divorce hurts differently, at different moments, since no two people process their pain the same way. It is a profoundly personal emotional process of loss and grieving. Because of this, a mindful approach like conscious uncoupling allows you to gain clarity on your unique experience, and move yourself towards healing.

My own divorce experience occurred many decades ago. Back then, I had never even heard the term “conscious uncoupling”. Knowing what I know today, I can see how my healing process would have taken less time if I had an awareness of uncoupling in a mindful way. I would have better understood my emotional grief state, and been able to rediscover and reclaim my identity during that harrowing experience.

What is Conscious Uncoupling?

Conscious uncoupling – which can also be called mindful uncoupling, is a transition process that involves both partners consciously moving away from each other emotionally, spiritually and physically.

It’s normal for our married relationships to become part of our identity. When a marriage or a relationship ends or changes, it’s also normal to experience a shift (or even crisis) of identity alongside that change. A big part of divorce grief is often grief over an element of our identity that we feel we’re losing. Conscious uncoupling instead promotes the shifting, repairing, rebuilding and redefining of our separate, individual identities as part of that transition process. In this way, parents are better able to move their relationship from one of spouse-partners to one of parent-partners with minimal damage to themselves, to each other, and to their children.

Rather than a destructive process – which divorce can often be – it becomes a creative process, as parents work to create new structures, and new ways to flourish and thrive as they move forward in their lives.

Through conscious uncoupling, former spouses find new ways of relating to each other, creating and rewriting a different story. Each parent aims to reclaim their power – not over each other or over their children, but over their own healing journey to restore their sense of well-being.

Identity is a significant element of this mindful approach. One of the main challenges of uncoupling is that many of us continue to identify ourselves through our married relationship. We were once the spouse of so-and-so, part of a couple, a married person… When the marriage ends, who are we? This identity crisis can easily lead to feelings of fear, anger, resentment and even desperation, which are not conducive to co-parenting in harmony.

For this reason, one of the goals of conscious uncoupling is to find ourselves, to reclaim our identity before the marriage, or the couple relationship, to rediscover our identity separately from a particular role in the relationship, and to determine our identity as an individual in the present. When we identify ourselves as a wife/husband, lover, confidant, best friend, soulmate, and so on, it’s easy to forget that we once had an identity that was all our own. We can no longer remember ourselves and continue to act as WE spouse-partners. However, when we consciously reclaim and rebuild our individual identity, that empowers us to identify and work together as WE parenting-partners, which is the path towards a co-parenting in harmony relationship.

How to Move Forward in Conscious Uncoupling

The key to moving forward in conscious uncoupling is self-reflection and self-assessment. This is a beautiful opportunity to focus entirely on you. Many parents struggle with this because they worry it’s selfish to put so much focus on themselves when children are in the mix. But, this rediscovery is about who you are as a person. The truth is, to create a healthy, happy and fundamental life for yourself and for those you love, it’s essential to focus on the rediscovery goal. Your thriving is a priceless gift to yourself and to your children. To consciously turn a difficult situation in a harmonious direction is such a powerful thing, and it will pay off for your loved ones for generations to come.

The idea of conscious uncoupling is to gain enough self-awareness to reach a satisfying and sustainable long-term relationship. Both parents change and grow through the transition process. They become mindful co-parents, fully aware of the impact they are having in each moment, and continually seeking out harmonious solutions. Through the process, they learn to reconfigure new ways to relate to one another as parenting-partners and to keep mutual respect for each other as people and as parents. The needs of the children are the ultimate priority of conscious uncoupling, but beyond basic day-to-day needs, the children’s emotional needs are included in that prioritization. In this way, parents are not just creating and building a meaningful co-parenting in harmony relationship, they are also cultivating more meaningful relationships with their children.

Finding Meaning

Finding meaning in a mindful uncoupling approach is not about who is winning or losing. It is about going that extra mile to make sure everyone wins. You still have a mutual interest: your precious children.

Your children are where you will find meaning. Divorce hurts, but the hurt doesn’t have to be permanent. With conscious or mindful uncoupling, damage is minimal and the focus for everyone is on creating positive change for an even better “new normal”. With this mindset, animosity dissolves much quicker and a new shift of parenting paradigm does develop. This new paradigm replaces the traditional ugly divorce.

It is only under these circumstances that harmonious co-parenting can happen. We are models and teachers to our children. We must model healthy behaviours and healthy self-care through the choices we make during the good and not-so-good times in our relationships. In this way, our children come to know, through watching us, that there is a solution to every challenge.

Creating Your Identity

You are no longer the person you once were. But, you are also not yet the person you are becoming. Just as your identity evolved when you became a couple, your identity is evolving once again through uncoupling. It is a transition, and it will take time. What does not change is the element of your identity that is WE as co-parents and continuing that key role as parents. Lean into that as your starting point for growing your identity in a direction that is joyful for you and your family.

Remember: suffering is optional. Choose love for your children and make your family your focus. You both have so much to offer. Yes, it looks different, but it is still your family and is still beautiful.

We have the power to make the invisible visible. Co-parenting in Harmony is possible; you and your kids are worth it.

I’m Anna Giannone, a Certified Master Coach Practitioner, Co-parenting coach. I offer solution-focused and collaborative approaches to the challenges faced by Co-parents and Bonus parents. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory call session.