Parenting is a tough role. Constantly questioning yourself, wondering if you did or said the right things… And that’s true for bonus parenting as well. Like being a bio-parent, being a bonus parent is the hardest (and most rewarding) thing you’ll ever do. Bonus parents make a huge difference in their bonus children’s lives, sharing their partner’s responsibility for their children’s health, emotional well-being, education and much more. Above all, bonus parents get to love their bonus children as their own.

My precious bonus mom, Victoria, recently passed. Cancer took her away from us. Grieving her hurts me so much, and I miss her dearly. I miss our laughs and talks, and how we shared our cries together, like mom and daughter. She was always there for me in my good days and not-so-good days, and was so present when I experienced tragedy in my life. A true parent, she loved me with her whole heart, just as I loved her.

To honour my bonus mom, I am taking this opportunity to share with you the impact she had and the fantastic role model she was for my siblings and me.

Out of love for my Dad, Victoria accepted my siblings and I fully. From there, her love and our relationship grew into something wonderful and unique. She and my bio-mom accepted and respected each other’s roles, never quarrelling or letting jealousy muddy the water. My bio-mom knew that our bonus-mom made us feel safe and loved, and there was no conflict of loyalty, even though we were young adults.

Victoria lost her first husband tragically, becoming a single mom and entrepreneur. She had the willingness to keep going, and I was amazed by her resilience to keep moving forward through hardship, raising her son and keeping up with her business.

Victoira met my dad a couple of years after the loss of her first husband. At first, our relationship was a shy one. Then we got to know each other better. Though we had a 20 year age difference, we also had similar life experiences. Victoria was such an amazing woman and mom. She was loving, patient, a great listener, compassionate, full of empathy, and a fantastic cook. Her shoes are too big to ever fill. She was so generous with her time and was a loyal wife to my dad. She kept her vow of ‘till death do us apart’, and did so by his bedside, day and night. What a remarkable woman. With Victoria and all of us, by his side, my dad did not pass away alone. But sadly, Victoria did, in her sleep. It feels so unfair.

As a bonus mom, Victoria was often a guiding star for me. Having experienced tragic loss herself, she helped me through my tragic loss. She understood so much of what I was going through and didn’t hesitate to step in and support me with compassion and love.

Having a bonus parent who truly cares and loves unconditionally is a beautiful gift to a bonus child. Accepting her love and who she was as a person gifted me this precious love in my life. Precious, unconditional love that everyone deserves.

I am also a bonus mom, and have been able to feel so much of what she was feeling at times. Acceptance from the exterior world, extended family, and respect from others matter so much to everyone, and can be especially important to bonus parents. At times, Victoria felt so empty and invisible, feeling that no one cared for her. There were times she felt alone and unloved. Times she felt her efforts were unnoticed. She respected everyone in my family and was always careful in her words not to create family disputes. Just a check-in call meant so much to her. It made her feel important to know that she was in my thoughts. It made her day. I so often reassured her, doing my best to make sure she knew she was loved. At the end of every conversation, I would tell her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.

As a bonus mom, it was an honour to show her, through my own family, how bonus parenting, blended families, and co-parenting can exist in harmony, creating wonderful outcomes and experiences for everyone involved. We inspired each other and that’s priceless.

Victoria, I know you loved me as your only daughter, and I love you, not only as my bonus mom, but as my mom.

I am so blessed that you came into my life for so many decades, that we shared our love, and that we had a mom-and-daughter relationship. That meant so much to me. I am so grateful for this life experience that you gave me.

Missing you so dearly.

Forever and always. Until we meet again, precious one.

If you are a bonus parent, know that your impact matters and that you have the power to create a beautiful relationship and experience for your bonus children. If you are a bio-parent navigating a co-parenting or blended family situation, know that letting a bonus parent into your child’s life takes nothing away from the bio-parent. All parents that are involved in your child’s life matters. By welcoming a loving bonus parent into the mix, you are gifting your child the incredible experience of even more family who love them uniquely and unconditionally. What is essential is giving love, showing love, and being loved all done in harmony. That is what matters most.